


Need to Know

by witchcraftpictures



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence, Eventual Happy Ending, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Mentions of Blood, events of halloween 2019 are talked about you have been warned, kind of au kind of not au, my own fic hurt me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:40:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26398819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/witchcraftpictures/pseuds/witchcraftpictures
Summary: Kihyun wished that someone would have warned him that the only thing that would hurt worse than the one he loved being ripped from his grasp was the act of being in love itself.
Relationships: Lee Hoseok | Wonho/Yoo Kihyun
Comments: 1
Kudos: 16





	Need to Know

**Author's Note:**

> i am still terrible with summaries, i apologize! D; back from my almost-one-year hiatus with a new ficlet!!! so much has happened, y'all. both fandom and real life have kinda turned upside down but i feel like things are finally starting to find some semblance of 'normal' again. an enamel pin i purchased from an artist on insta/twitter put the idea in my head and i tried to put it off but it grabbed me by the shoulders and wouldn't stop shaking me till i wrote it. i was trying to start ch6 of my utena au over again but i once again got stuck so this was a nice change of pace even if it is angsty. don't worry, i haven't abandoned my other fic! this was supposed to be a oneshot but i wanted to be an asshole and end it at a cliffhanger. however, i am also a hopeless romantic that loves happy endings so decided to continue it. i am planning on 2 chapters but we will see where the end of part 2 takes me!

Kihyun wasn’t sure when things started to change. When he started to notice little things, like the way Hoseok’s eyes lit up and his nose crinkled when he laughed at a stupid joke or the way beads of sweat rolled down his skin during an intense dance practice. Things that he never would have paid any attention to before. He wasn’t even quite sure when he started to feel that odd fluttering sensation inside his chest any time Hoseok touched him, regardless of whether it was a playful shove or a calming hug after a fight over the boys not keeping things properly clean in the dorms and leaving everything for Kihyun to do. Maybe it started when they were still trainees? No... It had to have started after debut. Was it when they were working on the video for Destroyer that it had really kicked in? Time over the last few years seemed to blur and of course Kihyun pushed the musings to the back of his mind any time they bubbled to the surface and made him question himself. There just wasn’t enough time in the day for those sorts of thoughts. With how packed their schedules were it was already hard enough to just breathe. Definitely no time to ponder whatever this changed viewpoint towards his groupmate was.

The coughing started…. Actually, he wasn’t too sure about that either. It had probably been somewhere between the release of ‘Are You There’ and ‘We Are Here’ but again, he couldn’t pinpoint it if asked. It wasn’t anything truly worrying, just a dry spot in his throat or a tickle in his lungs after singing occasionally. Nothing a few sips of water wouldn’t cure. Hoseok was always the first to place a soft, strong hand against his back and present a bottle of blissfully cold water. The first to worry over him any time it would happen. He’s just being a good friend. Kihyun would tell himself those words every time it happened. Would force his heart to beat normally again, his lungs to bring in air. Every time it happened he brushed off the fretting of the others. Too much pollen in the air one day. Not enough moisture in the air another day. Luckily the cough never affected his singing when it mattered, every recording session or performance was always flawless. To that he was thankful.

Everyone had worked so hard the months leading up to the release of Follow. Everything was perfect. The song, the choreography, the clothing. Hoseok was perfect. Kihyun had settled with the fact that he was crushing on him. Had been crushing on him for a while. There was no use in saying anything to anyone or pursuing anything. Absolutely no good reason in this lifetime, or any lifetime really, to act on his feelings. Their friendship was wonderful, fantastic, one of the best relationships he had had in his twenty-something years of life. It wouldn’t be beneficial to ruin the good thing they had just because someone had caught the feels. He was a professional in many aspects of his life and the way he navigated these feelings had to be one of them. For the good of the group and their strong bond, it had to. With the realization of what his feelings actually were came a worsening of the cough. It was more frequent, a little harder on his throat and lungs. He was still able to manage it, keep it at bay when he needed to. Cough syrup was a glorious thing when cool water failed to calm the itch. God was he glad it was still manageable though.

Three days after Follow was released his entire world turned upside down. Hoseok decided, on his own, that he was leaving the group. Kihyun knew he was self-sacrificing for the good of all seven of them but the pain of his friend now allowing him - not allowing any of them to stand with him, to be his shield, was hard to swallow. Nothing anyone could say, tried to say, screamed at the top of their lungs made Hoseok budge on his decision. That night Kihyun had cried, coughed, both harder than he could ever remember doing in the past and he worried he was going to throw up from the force of it all. The pain in his chest was excruciating and he couldn’t catch his breath. Hyungwon had been the only one brave enough to attempt to console him and Kihyun wasn’t sure what he would have done that night, or any of the nights that followed, without the younger’s calming presence. Continuing their schedule without Hoseok was heartbreaking. For all of them, not just for Kihyun. They powered through it, a week of torture, before ending promotions early. 

It wasn’t more than a couple days after promotions ended that the first small, delicate petal freed itself from Kihyun’s chest. It was small, a deep red almost the same color as blood. He was definitely confused by it. Where the hell had it even come from? He didn’t remember eating anything with flowers in it. Of course, he added it to the list of things to ponder later. His mind was far more focused on the raging dumpster fire that had become his and his group’s lives to worry about it. They had seen Hoseok one time since his decision to leave. It was so good to see his face, hear his voice, even the sorrowful smile on his face was a soothing balm on Kihyun’s wounded heart. The respite didn’t last long enough, his dearest friend was moved out of the dorms and had to keep a low profile with legal matters to deal with. There was no telling when he would get to be near him again and it hurt.

The longer Hoseok was away the worse the pain in his chest became as if something was both stabbing and constricting his heart and lungs. He also coughed up more of the mysterious red petals. They had grown in size from the first one and now it was easier to tell exactly what kind of flower they were from. Roses. Red ones, so deep he wasn’t sure if it was the petal itself or blood that colored them. He kept this new development from the others. They had enough on their plates to deal with. There was this strange mixture of horror and intrigue that came with the new addition to whatever this sickness he had was. And of course pain, there was plenty of that every time his lungs forced petals from his mouth. When he felt a coughing fit about to come on, always preceded by a sharp pain in his chest, he would quickly excuse himself to hide in the bathroom until the coughing subsided. Kihyun knew the others were worried about him, questioning him every time if he was okay and if they needed to get him to the nearest hospital. His answer was always a soft I’m fine and he refused any sort of doctor.

Hyungwon was the first to confront him. He had woken up early that morning and surprised Kihyun by cornering him in the kitchen as he was making breakfast, a handful of offending rose petals in his hands. Had he dug them out of the trash? Kihyun had thought he had taken the trash out more frequently than that but clearly it hadn’t been often enough judging by the amount Hyungwon had gripped tightly in his hand. He wasn’t sure what to say to his friend. What was there even to say? He attempted to play it off, he had just bought some flowers to tear apart for a photography project he hadn’t told anyone about! The heavy sigh from Hyungwon almost made him falter in his lie. There was dried blood on every petal… Kihyun didn’t want to acknowledge it. Certainly there wasn’t blood on the roses. They were just dark red! Hyungwon was angry, worried, confused as to why Kihyun wasn’t being honest about whatever it was that had been going on. He waited for Kihyun to answer him but it was obvious the older wasn’t going to say anything. Kihyun did promise that if things got worse he would let him know so that was a small consolation prize.

The first time it happened around someone else was not pleasant. It had just been Kihyun and Minhyuk at the dorms, sharing a small meal while everyone else had been out doing whatever, Kihyun hadn’t paid much attention to Shownu telling him where they were going or the pointed look Hyungwon had given him. The searing pain took him by surprise. It was worse than ever before, stole the air from his lungs and froze him to his chair. He barely clasped his hands over his mouth in time to somewhat muffle the chest-shattering cough. The violence of it had shocked his companion but it wasn’t nearly as shocking as the blood that seeped through Kihyun’s fingers or the entire flower that fell to the table. The two had stared at each other with wide, frightened eyes. It felt like an eternity had passed even though it was only seconds by the time Minhyuk’s body finally sprung into action and he no less than forced Kihyun from the table, to the door and into his shoes. Kihyun could barely process that Minhyuk was pulling him into a cab that sped the two of them to the hospital, the entire time Kihyun’s bloodied hand clasped firmly in his own.

The x-rays were a trip. If he hadn’t looked at them with his own eyes he would have laughed at the doctor. Flowers growing in my lungs? Yeah right. It’s not April. Real fucking funny. But the proof was right in front of him. Both of the boys couldn’t take their eyes away from the black-and-white images in front of them. Kihyun thought he heard Minhyuk talking with the doctors but the ringing in his ears made it hard to focus. It’s Hanahaki disease… He could tell it wasn’t Minhyuk, the doctor probably. Okay. So what does that mean for Kihyun? He wasn’t sure he really wanted to know. It couldn’t be anything good. He kept his eyes on the x-rays, taking in the thorn-covered vines weaving their way around and through his insides. The doctor could tell he wasn’t paying attention and informed Minhyuk about what was going on. That Kihyun was in love with someone and unless those feelings were returned he would die. Not a pleasant death either, by the looks of the images of his chest. The new inhabitant of his lungs could be removed surgically but it wasn’t pleasant either. The surgery wasn’t an easy one and if he went through with it he would no longer have any feelings towards whoever it was he loved, if he even kept his memories of the person at all. Kihyun could hear Minhyuk’s gasp-turned-sob behind him and thought it was a fitting reaction, he wished he could get rid of the numb feeling he had so he could cry over his new fate himself.

Minhyuk was glued to Kihyun’s side after their trip to the emergency room. Kihyun wasn’t sure what took his breath away, Minhyuk’s suffocating clinginess or the roses filling up his lungs. Explaining everything to the other four wasn’t pleasant, even if he could say he had achieved seeing Hyungwon madder than hell twice in his life. Not the best accomplishment but for the moment it was the only one he felt he deserved to claim. Of course they tried to get him to spill who it was he had feelings for. Whoever it was was a lucky girl… boy... person to have someone like their lead vocalist yearning for them. He had to tell whoever it was how he felt! There was no way he was allowed to stay quiet and let himself die. Hell, they wouldn’t let him die. They had already proverbially lost Hoseok, they couldn’t and wouldn’t lose him too. All five of them had threatened that if it came down to it and Kihyun hadn’t done anything about his very painfully unrequited love sooner rather than later they would force him onto the surgery table themselves. Kihyun mattered more to them, he was their precious friend and the string of fate tied all of them together.

Hacking up whole ass flowers was painful. Of course it was. It was the most painful thing he had experienced in his life. Well… the second most painful thing. Kihyun was sure as the weeks turned into months he had spit up enough roses for at least a dozen full bouquets. He was sure no one in their right mind would appreciate being on the receiving end of a bloody bouquet but the thought still made him chuckle morbidly to himself every time it popped into his head. He had lost count of how many times he had unlocked his phone and gone to text or call Hoseok as the days passed. He wanted to know his friend was okay, that the legal battle wasn’t causing him too much stress. Wanted to hear his voice on the other end of the line. He never went through with it, throwing his phone away from himself like it was lava every time. When his phone started ringing in his hand and a picture of Hoseok making a stupid face took over his screen he almost didn’t answer it. When he did swipe his finger across the screen and hold the phone to his ear he felt himself holding his breath despite the burn in his chest it caused. Hoseok’s voice calling his name on the other end of the line brought him back to his senses, the deep breath he took rattling in his chest. They talked as if it hadn’t been months. Everything was okay, or as okay as things could be given the circumstances. Everything was finally over and Hoseok had done no wrong, of course he hadn’t done anything wrong. Kihyun wished with all his might that Hoseok would come back to the group but knew he wouldn’t care what happened as long as he was back in his life in some form.

Kihyun had been surprised when Hoseok had decided to go solo, test the waters to see how the backlash might be. It was a bittersweet surprise, he knew how hard it must have been for his friend to be away from them and the fans for so long. They had all decided a celebration dinner was mandatory and invited Hoseok back to the dorms, volunteering Kihyun to be chef for the evening. If it had been for anyone else Kihyun would have protested at not being consulted first but this was for Hoseok and he was sure he would do anything for him. Even die? The thought made his skin crawl as he worked hard to prepare the biggest and best dinner for his six friends. He didn’t want to die, then again did anyone truly want to? He just couldn’t bring himself to confess his feelings either though. Losing his memories, good and bad, of Hoseok was equally as unappealing so surgery was entirely out of the question. The sound of his friends all greeting Hoseok loudly broke him out of his thoughts and he hurried to get everything finished and on the table as everyone started filing into the dining area. Seeing Hoseok again after so long was both a blessing and a curse. He wanted to drop the steaming pot of soup in his hands and run to him but instead he just smiled, welcomed Hoseok home and put the last of their massive meal on the table. 

Dinner was a loud affair. Everyone was talking a mile a minute, trying to catch everyone up on everything, praising Kihyun on how great the meal was with mouths full of food. Kihyun was mostly quiet as he ate, occasionally stealing glances at Hoseok when he thought no one was paying attention. He had to do something to remind himself that he was real and sitting right across from him at the table, it wasn’t an illusion and he wasn’t dreaming. Unfortunately someone had noticed and was starting to piece things together. As soon as the food had been devoured the reunion moved to the shared living space. Hyungwon stayed behind to help Kihyun start cleaning up the mess as well as to confront him again. He had waited until they had all the dirty dishes back into the kitchen before he grabbed one of Kihyun’s hands. You have to tell him. Kihyun pulled his hand away to start the task of washing everything. Tell whom what? Hyungwon rolled his eyes, he knew Kihyun knew exactly what he was talking about. Hoseok. You love him. The plate that had been in his hands dropped into the sink with a clatter but luckily didn’t break. Shortly after Hoseok peeked his head into the kitchen to make sure everyone was alright, causing Kihyun to dumbly nod his head and mumble that the dish soap caused the plate to slip. He earned another eyeroll from the lanky boy beside him as Hoseok gave them a thumbs up before retreating back to the others.

Little did Kihyun know, the other four were taking it upon themselves to tell their friend in hushed whispers about Kihyun’s tragic fate. Hoseok was happy that his dear friend had found someone he loved, even if it did make feelings of sadness and jealousy bubble up like bile in the back of his throat. The shock at hearing exactly what was happening to the smaller boy, that he had a disease that caused him to cough up blood and flowers and if something didn’t happen soon he wouldn’t be around anymore, made his heart stop in his chest. He absolutely had to get his friend to confess to whoever the person was! Hoseok got up from the comfortable sofa and told the others to go ahead and get whatever movie Jooheon and Changkyun had picked started and he’d be right back, with Kihyun hopefully with him and out of the kitchen. When he made it back to the kitchen Hyungwon immediately volunteered him to help Kihyun finish up and made a quick exit, leaving Kihyun with the object of his painful affection alone.

Kihyun both loved and hated having Hoseok standing next to him. As he washed the remaining dishes and handed them to him to dry he failed miserably at calming his racing heart. Once they had everything cleaned and put away Kihyun was stopped from leaving the kitchen, Hoseok using his body to block the doorway. Are you okay? They told me everything… Kihyun couldn’t find it in him to look at Hoseok, just shuffled his feet and gave his friend a small nod that he was okay, or as okay as he was probably going to get. Hoseok gently scolded him about not mentioning anything during their phone call and pulled him against his chest into a hug. Kihyun was so wonderful and he needed to tell whoever the lucky person it was how he felt so he could get better and be around for a very long time. The two stayed like that for what was too brief of a moment for Kihyun even though it was him that pulled away first. Hoseok could tell the gears were turning in his friend’s head as he quietly battled with himself to speak. Kihyun felt so small and uncertain under Hoseok’s gaze

“Hyung.. I…”

Kihyun wasn’t able to finish what he wanted to say when it felt like the now-familiar stab of thorns in his lungs seemed to increase to a level it had yet to reach before. One hand flew to his mouth to try in vain to stop the coming coughs, blood and flowers that spilled out while the other reached for something, anything to hold on to to keep himself upright as pain washed over him. This time it really was the absolute worst pain he had ever felt through this entire horrific process of plants taking over his chest. He could feel his body giving out on him and someone catching him before he hit the ground before his world turned black.

“Kihyun!”


End file.
